Friday, February 29, 2008
The other side
I just wanted to say thanks to all my friends who have stood by me and listened to me bang on about the same things day after day. I think I have finally turned a corner in the whole break-up thing and I have shed my last tears (hopefully). I am very much looking forward to the weekend and beginning a new chapter in my life....and finally having somthing else to talk about rather than Tony or lack thereof!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Confused
Well I am sorry to keep banging on about the same crap again and again, but I have another installment in the break-up saga for you. Today Tony messaged asking for my address in order to send me the tickets to Ben lee he bought me for my birthday. I had given him the option of us all still going together...that his him, me, Ash and Bryce, but he has decided it is too awkward and he doesn't want to go anymore. Fair enough. I call him and apprently he does not want to be friends either anymore as in his experience it "does not work". I message him my address along with "I don't understand why you are acting like this and I don't know what I did to deserve to be treated so poorly by you now" - no reply.
I update my Facebook status to " Carrie is surprised and disappointed by the poor treatment she has received, but it makes it far easier to move on and get over it". When I get home tonight I discover that I have been removed from the Facebook friend list of Ash. I know in the grand scheme of things it means nothing, however, I do notice that she did not delete any of you from Facebook, just me. I really don't understand what I have done wrong and why I am being treated this way. It makes me so very upset and I don't understand why. I want to call and ask why and what is going on, but there seems to be no point. I just don't know what to do now. I am finding it so hard to get past all this crap. I think I am ok, but then something else happens. I don't know what is going on anymore and I am just so unhappy. I don't want to feel like this anymore
I update my Facebook status to " Carrie is surprised and disappointed by the poor treatment she has received, but it makes it far easier to move on and get over it". When I get home tonight I discover that I have been removed from the Facebook friend list of Ash. I know in the grand scheme of things it means nothing, however, I do notice that she did not delete any of you from Facebook, just me. I really don't understand what I have done wrong and why I am being treated this way. It makes me so very upset and I don't understand why. I want to call and ask why and what is going on, but there seems to be no point. I just don't know what to do now. I am finding it so hard to get past all this crap. I think I am ok, but then something else happens. I don't know what is going on anymore and I am just so unhappy. I don't want to feel like this anymore
Monday, February 18, 2008
Yet another day
I really do appreciate everyone's comments and advice to my latest posting. After much thought today I have decided that I will continue to plod along on my own for a bit longer and just continue to give my friends an ear-bashing, rather than consult the services of a professional. I can see both pro's and con's in either option. It has only been a week and so I may be getting a little ahead of myself, however if my shitty feelings are still here in the long term, then I will investigate the other options.
I am not sure quite why I was so sad yesterday. I think alcohol was a significant factor, along with the fact that I saw my friends Melissa and Em, both who I had not seen since the break-up, and both who were keen to discuss how I was coping etc. I think this all just bought my feelings to the surface once again and I was sad, once again. I think you guys are right in the fact that I am feeling sad after a break-up, simple as that. However should I get to the point where I do not want to leave the house, put make-up on, exercise, eat, sleep etc etc then I will seek help.
After Jason left I did go to a counsellor for one session and my experience was similar to Matt's in that there was not much that they could tell me which I hadn't already heard a dozen times over from my friends.
On a positive note, I am feeling much happier today.....I do wish I could just get past all this crap and be over it, but I do understand that this is what I need to go through to come out the other side. I have vowed NEVER to call him again, as that would do me no favours and short of him coming back and begging my forgiveness, I will not be taking him back either. He is done and we are done and I have to get over it. It is that simple.
I am not sure quite why I was so sad yesterday. I think alcohol was a significant factor, along with the fact that I saw my friends Melissa and Em, both who I had not seen since the break-up, and both who were keen to discuss how I was coping etc. I think this all just bought my feelings to the surface once again and I was sad, once again. I think you guys are right in the fact that I am feeling sad after a break-up, simple as that. However should I get to the point where I do not want to leave the house, put make-up on, exercise, eat, sleep etc etc then I will seek help.
After Jason left I did go to a counsellor for one session and my experience was similar to Matt's in that there was not much that they could tell me which I hadn't already heard a dozen times over from my friends.
On a positive note, I am feeling much happier today.....I do wish I could just get past all this crap and be over it, but I do understand that this is what I need to go through to come out the other side. I have vowed NEVER to call him again, as that would do me no favours and short of him coming back and begging my forgiveness, I will not be taking him back either. He is done and we are done and I have to get over it. It is that simple.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Another day
Well here I am on Sunday, almost a week since it is over. I have spent almost my entire afternoon out feeling sorry for myself and crying whilst at the pub - super classy. I am going up and down right now. I think I am ok, but then I spend my afternoon crying uncontrollably. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't go on like this. I feel like shit. This afternoon I ran into Tony's ex-gf at the pub and that sent me on a downward spiral. I thought I was ok, but clearly I am not. I don't know what to do about this anymore. I am going to investigate the option of counselling as I am pretty much fucked at the moment and have no idea what to do now.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Starting Over, Yet Again
Well since my last post I must say I am doing a lot better. I actually ended up seeing him on Thursday as he dropped all the stuff that I had left at his house into me at work. There was a sense of finality getting back things like shampoo and cleanser! When I saw him everything seemd okay between us though. We had a bit of a chat and I said that I would like to remain friends with him seeing as we get along so well, and he agreed. I have not called him or anything since then. I went out last night with some work folk for drinks and I must admit, I started to miss him. We used to speak every day and now we are not. I think the fact that I "can't" call him and am not "meant" to is what I am finding so hard to deal with. I guess this is something that I will have to get used to over time. I am keeping myself busy and going out and doing plenty of stuff, however there is still a void left and I feel lonely, no matter how many of my friends I surround myself with.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
All over red rover
Well I know it has been forever and a day since I have written on here. I just had a squiz through my old posts and your old comments and they were all about how great Tony was as you had only just met him. Well, for those of you that have not heard, it is over.
Ever since his sister arrived from Germany they have not been getting along and he has been grumpy fairly frequently. I did not really know how to handle this and so did my best to try and cheer him up, that did not work and seemed to make him grumpier. However things still seemed to be going along well.....he came and rescued me the other week when I was stranded amd he accompanied me to my friend's engagement party last week. At the party we had a few words as I was being too "touchy-feely' for his liking and that annoys him. I apologised and he seemed ok and when I tried to talk about us he said he wasn't going to discuss things there and while I was drinking...fair enough. The next morning when we woke up I apologised for trying to engage him in a D&M the night before and that is when he told me what was on his mind. He said that he did not think his feelings were as strong for me as mine were and that he was unsure and wanted to think about things. We ended up having a big talk and by the end of it I really did think that we had sorted things out and become closer. That day we met up with friends at the Big Day Out and had a great day. All seemed well and he even said to them what our plans for NYE were and that they should come. It all seemed to be fine.
The next morning he seemed quieter that usual and so I asked what the go was. He said he wanted to stick to the original plan, which was us having some time apart. What follows was a week of no contact. It nearly killed me not to talk to him as we normally speak every day. Monday I was a mess and was upset and by Friday I was getting concerned. I rang on Friday to say thank you for putting some money he owed me for his BDO ticket in my account - no reply. Sunday I ring and leave a message to ask what is happening and whether he needs more time....no reply. Monday I get a message asking to meet me for coffe after work....I suspect it isn't good.
I end up meeting him at the Windsor and we chat for about 1.5 hours. He says that he doesn't think he can continue being with me. I try to tell him how good things are, how much we have in common, how I want him to try and work on things with me, how I think he is casting us aside without giving it a real go etc etc I ask him to give us and me a chance. He says how he can't let anyone in and how that is the way he is and he will not change and he does not want to try any more. He does not want to keep going as it will hurt me more in the long run. I say I am willing to take that risk, he is not. It is over and I am devestated.
I thought we had everything and that he was it for me. I was wrong. I know there are "plenty more fish in the sea", "what is meant to happen willl happen", "the lord works in mysterious ways" and all those other saying that people say when something ends. But this gives me no fucking relief at all. I wanted him and unfortunately I can't make someone stay with me nor someone fall in love with me. And now, here I am, where I was last April when Jason left. I am up and down. I think I am ok, and then I am in a mess of tears. I try not to think about him and then something will remind me of him, and how much I liked him and the fun we had. I think it such a waste of something that seemed so good. I feel as though I have been cast aside for no good reason at all and that does not make me feel good.
I know I will find someone else and I will move on. But I wanted to be that special person for him and I really did believe he was mine, how wrong I was.
Ever since his sister arrived from Germany they have not been getting along and he has been grumpy fairly frequently. I did not really know how to handle this and so did my best to try and cheer him up, that did not work and seemed to make him grumpier. However things still seemed to be going along well.....he came and rescued me the other week when I was stranded amd he accompanied me to my friend's engagement party last week. At the party we had a few words as I was being too "touchy-feely' for his liking and that annoys him. I apologised and he seemed ok and when I tried to talk about us he said he wasn't going to discuss things there and while I was drinking...fair enough. The next morning when we woke up I apologised for trying to engage him in a D&M the night before and that is when he told me what was on his mind. He said that he did not think his feelings were as strong for me as mine were and that he was unsure and wanted to think about things. We ended up having a big talk and by the end of it I really did think that we had sorted things out and become closer. That day we met up with friends at the Big Day Out and had a great day. All seemed well and he even said to them what our plans for NYE were and that they should come. It all seemed to be fine.
The next morning he seemed quieter that usual and so I asked what the go was. He said he wanted to stick to the original plan, which was us having some time apart. What follows was a week of no contact. It nearly killed me not to talk to him as we normally speak every day. Monday I was a mess and was upset and by Friday I was getting concerned. I rang on Friday to say thank you for putting some money he owed me for his BDO ticket in my account - no reply. Sunday I ring and leave a message to ask what is happening and whether he needs more time....no reply. Monday I get a message asking to meet me for coffe after work....I suspect it isn't good.
I end up meeting him at the Windsor and we chat for about 1.5 hours. He says that he doesn't think he can continue being with me. I try to tell him how good things are, how much we have in common, how I want him to try and work on things with me, how I think he is casting us aside without giving it a real go etc etc I ask him to give us and me a chance. He says how he can't let anyone in and how that is the way he is and he will not change and he does not want to try any more. He does not want to keep going as it will hurt me more in the long run. I say I am willing to take that risk, he is not. It is over and I am devestated.
I thought we had everything and that he was it for me. I was wrong. I know there are "plenty more fish in the sea", "what is meant to happen willl happen", "the lord works in mysterious ways" and all those other saying that people say when something ends. But this gives me no fucking relief at all. I wanted him and unfortunately I can't make someone stay with me nor someone fall in love with me. And now, here I am, where I was last April when Jason left. I am up and down. I think I am ok, and then I am in a mess of tears. I try not to think about him and then something will remind me of him, and how much I liked him and the fun we had. I think it such a waste of something that seemed so good. I feel as though I have been cast aside for no good reason at all and that does not make me feel good.
I know I will find someone else and I will move on. But I wanted to be that special person for him and I really did believe he was mine, how wrong I was.
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