It has been a while...

I had actually forgotten I had ever even started this blog until I was reminded of it this evening. Tonight I found out that someone had "googled" me and discovered this blog and had read it. I feel violated but at the same time I am not even sure if I am entitled to feel that way. After all, the internet is public property, and this blog is public, but yet I still do feel that way. I also googled my name and could not find it, so I am not quite sure how they did. The only way I managed to find it was by googling the full title of the blog. Not sure if anyone else has come across this kind of thing, but I am curious to know your opinion..... :)

Long time no see!

It has been absolutely ages since I have written on here but thought I would give it a go. I am not really much of a blogger....I tend to only write on there when there are dramas in my life.....and there aren't really any at the moment.

I just read through my previous posts and I find it hard to believe what a sad sack I was! I must have actually been quite painful to be around during that time and so I apologise. It really is hard to believe when you are in the middle of it that you will ever come out the other side and now I read all that I wrote and just think..."Fuck Carrie, get over it already". Oh well...at least I have managed to move on from that.

And on a similar vein I have decided to turn over a new leaf. I know I got a bit defensive when it was suggested to me but I do realise that what this person had to say was valid and that I should have paid more attention.....you know who you are :P I did take it on board at the time, but I guess it is one of those things...no one like to be "told" what to do, you really just have to figure it out in your own time. I am finally going to take some time for myself and remove myself from the "game" for a while. I am tired of guys who don't know what they want, can't decide what they want, aren't ready for a relationship, can't commit, want to go to the UK to shag other girls etc etc I will just have none of them instead and do my own thing and spend time with my mates. I am not really sure what the outcome of all this will be, but it can't be any worse than now, so I figure it will have to be better. And you never know if you don't try :)

On another note, I am very much looking forward to tomorrow and having my first ever gathering at my new place. It will be wicked!

I am going to try and blog more often too...perhaps that can be another leaf that I can turn over?

The other side

I just wanted to say thanks to all my friends who have stood by me and listened to me bang on about the same things day after day. I think I have finally turned a corner in the whole break-up thing and I have shed my last tears (hopefully). I am very much looking forward to the weekend and beginning a new chapter in my life....and finally having somthing else to talk about rather than Tony or lack thereof!

Confused

Well I am sorry to keep banging on about the same crap again and again, but I have another installment in the break-up saga for you. Today Tony messaged asking for my address in order to send me the tickets to Ben lee he bought me for my birthday. I had given him the option of us all still going together...that his him, me, Ash and Bryce, but he has decided it is too awkward and he doesn't want to go anymore. Fair enough. I call him and apprently he does not want to be friends either anymore as in his experience it "does not work". I message him my address along with "I don't understand why you are acting like this and I don't know what I did to deserve to be treated so poorly by you now" - no reply.

I update my Facebook status to " Carrie is surprised and disappointed by the poor treatment she has received, but it makes it far easier to move on and get over it". When I get home tonight I discover that I have been removed from the Facebook friend list of Ash. I know in the grand scheme of things it means nothing, however, I do notice that she did not delete any of you from Facebook, just me. I really don't understand what I have done wrong and why I am being treated this way. It makes me so very upset and I don't understand why. I want to call and ask why and what is going on, but there seems to be no point. I just don't know what to do now. I am finding it so hard to get past all this crap. I think I am ok, but then something else happens. I don't know what is going on anymore and I am just so unhappy. I don't want to feel like this anymore

Yet another day

I really do appreciate everyone's comments and advice to my latest posting. After much thought today I have decided that I will continue to plod along on my own for a bit longer and just continue to give my friends an ear-bashing, rather than consult the services of a professional. I can see both pro's and con's in either option. It has only been a week and so I may be getting a little ahead of myself, however if my shitty feelings are still here in the long term, then I will investigate the other options.

I am not sure quite why I was so sad yesterday. I think alcohol was a significant factor, along with the fact that I saw my friends Melissa and Em, both who I had not seen since the break-up, and both who were keen to discuss how I was coping etc. I think this all just bought my feelings to the surface once again and I was sad, once again. I think you guys are right in the fact that I am feeling sad after a break-up, simple as that. However should I get to the point where I do not want to leave the house, put make-up on, exercise, eat, sleep etc etc then I will seek help.

After Jason left I did go to a counsellor for one session and my experience was similar to Matt's in that there was not much that they could tell me which I hadn't already heard a dozen times over from my friends.

On a positive note, I am feeling much happier today.....I do wish I could just get past all this crap and be over it, but I do understand that this is what I need to go through to come out the other side. I have vowed NEVER to call him again, as that would do me no favours and short of him coming back and begging my forgiveness, I will not be taking him back either. He is done and we are done and I have to get over it. It is that simple.

Another day

Well here I am on Sunday, almost a week since it is over. I have spent almost my entire afternoon out feeling sorry for myself and crying whilst at the pub - super classy. I am going up and down right now. I think I am ok, but then I spend my afternoon crying uncontrollably. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't go on like this. I feel like shit. This afternoon I ran into Tony's ex-gf at the pub and that sent me on a downward spiral. I thought I was ok, but clearly I am not. I don't know what to do about this anymore. I am going to investigate the option of counselling as I am pretty much fucked at the moment and have no idea what to do now.

Starting Over, Yet Again

Well since my last post I must say I am doing a lot better. I actually ended up seeing him on Thursday as he dropped all the stuff that I had left at his house into me at work. There was a sense of finality getting back things like shampoo and cleanser! When I saw him everything seemd okay between us though. We had a bit of a chat and I said that I would like to remain friends with him seeing as we get along so well, and he agreed. I have not called him or anything since then. I went out last night with some work folk for drinks and I must admit, I started to miss him. We used to speak every day and now we are not. I think the fact that I "can't" call him and am not "meant" to is what I am finding so hard to deal with. I guess this is something that I will have to get used to over time. I am keeping myself busy and going out and doing plenty of stuff, however there is still a void left and I feel lonely, no matter how many of my friends I surround myself with.