All over red rover

Well I know it has been forever and a day since I have written on here. I just had a squiz through my old posts and your old comments and they were all about how great Tony was as you had only just met him. Well, for those of you that have not heard, it is over.

Ever since his sister arrived from Germany they have not been getting along and he has been grumpy fairly frequently. I did not really know how to handle this and so did my best to try and cheer him up, that did not work and seemed to make him grumpier. However things still seemed to be going along well.....he came and rescued me the other week when I was stranded amd he accompanied me to my friend's engagement party last week. At the party we had a few words as I was being too "touchy-feely' for his liking and that annoys him. I apologised and he seemed ok and when I tried to talk about us he said he wasn't going to discuss things there and while I was drinking...fair enough. The next morning when we woke up I apologised for trying to engage him in a D&M the night before and that is when he told me what was on his mind. He said that he did not think his feelings were as strong for me as mine were and that he was unsure and wanted to think about things. We ended up having a big talk and by the end of it I really did think that we had sorted things out and become closer. That day we met up with friends at the Big Day Out and had a great day. All seemed well and he even said to them what our plans for NYE were and that they should come. It all seemed to be fine.

The next morning he seemed quieter that usual and so I asked what the go was. He said he wanted to stick to the original plan, which was us having some time apart. What follows was a week of no contact. It nearly killed me not to talk to him as we normally speak every day. Monday I was a mess and was upset and by Friday I was getting concerned. I rang on Friday to say thank you for putting some money he owed me for his BDO ticket in my account - no reply. Sunday I ring and leave a message to ask what is happening and whether he needs more time....no reply. Monday I get a message asking to meet me for coffe after work....I suspect it isn't good.

I end up meeting him at the Windsor and we chat for about 1.5 hours. He says that he doesn't think he can continue being with me. I try to tell him how good things are, how much we have in common, how I want him to try and work on things with me, how I think he is casting us aside without giving it a real go etc etc I ask him to give us and me a chance. He says how he can't let anyone in and how that is the way he is and he will not change and he does not want to try any more. He does not want to keep going as it will hurt me more in the long run. I say I am willing to take that risk, he is not. It is over and I am devestated.

I thought we had everything and that he was it for me. I was wrong. I know there are "plenty more fish in the sea", "what is meant to happen willl happen", "the lord works in mysterious ways" and all those other saying that people say when something ends. But this gives me no fucking relief at all. I wanted him and unfortunately I can't make someone stay with me nor someone fall in love with me. And now, here I am, where I was last April when Jason left. I am up and down. I think I am ok, and then I am in a mess of tears. I try not to think about him and then something will remind me of him, and how much I liked him and the fun we had. I think it such a waste of something that seemed so good. I feel as though I have been cast aside for no good reason at all and that does not make me feel good.

I know I will find someone else and I will move on. But I wanted to be that special person for him and I really did believe he was mine, how wrong I was.